how to hold a narcissist accountable

Hi Elaine and welcome (-: Stepping out of the way of the consequences you describe would mean having him charged and put in jail for his assaults on you. I respect peoples choice to try to fix it, but more so i truelly feel you will be further dissapointed and utterly devestated dealing with these idiotic individuals. 2. You have given so much to him you have to give back to yourself now so you can heal. I was taught at a young age to be a caretaker my grandmother choose me since I had patience. Thats how they have consequences. Whenever she felt smothered by me or felt I went to far it was always because it was me. What are they gonna do? What do I do about the kids? Word salads and nonsensical conversations . When a narcissist with a fragile self-esteem is held accountable he breaks into a narcissistic rage. As I am writing, I am sitting in a beautiful Hotel in California, at the end of a 4 day all expense trip he won. They can tell you anything to make you feel sorry for them, sometimes when they do get it, they even apologize: but, so soon they repeat, rendering the apology useless. When asked you about it, You said you did that because you wanted her to move back so you could be closer to your kids. Women, for instance, go back to their abuser an average of seven times, even if she was the one who initiated the termination. Thanks you! Creating Word Salad Conflicts. So I am glad its over. Speak clearly and concisely to make them understand you. But women are usually the worst for believing every word he says. To reject a narcissist means you are rejecting the false self they have so carefully constructed to impress you. He isnt a major narcissist but has both narcissistic and borderline tendencies and at times he is a nightmare to deal with. He left and came back many times, but made a fool of me three months ago for the last time. I will do both. Everything that has been stated here is exactly what Ive been through. Maintain Boundaries. I dont tolerate stupidity anymore, from myself nor others. What I have learned is that I can not control or make another person accountable for their action. . If you ever disagree with a narcissist, want something different, or challenge them in any way, expect a word salad. They project those feelings on to others and are not capable of empathy. My husband is unbelievablely brilliant, cuniving, manipulative, and charming. His needs, concerns, and issues are everything. Its hard to give up on a man who has saved you in waysand who you know deep down, he is a good manbut his fear keeps him from being able to create real intimacy, and build on a relationship based on trust and honesty. Are you familiar with co-dependence? Unbelievable. So unless youve got some ideas I dont know what to do except to talk to our doctor and see if they have any ideas that might help., I cant be late for work again and so I am sorry I cant drop you off today., I dont know how to handle you when you get so angry at me, and so from now on I am going to need to get someone who knows know how to handle angry people (the police?) Because I want him to relax and be himself. Mine came back after 8 years of doing what he wanted. I think for my sanity I just cant talk to him anymore. I dont know how to get passed this hurdle, but I am willing to try because deep down, I believe he is a good man. Just a quick note to let you know that reading your material (every bit of it) and then putting it into practice has changed my marriage. Force them to listen with strong eye contact, confident posture, and an even, firm tone. A director on the chamber of commerce. Making a narcissist accountable can result in them putting more effort into protecting themselves at the cost of everyone around them. I suppose that I feel that Ive lived the giving mantra for long enough to build up some trust with him, and that now it is time to add some amount of holding him accountable. : ) Stay strong my friends. What he said was I love you but I cant live with you. It is a lesson that no one needs to learn through experience when they can simply and with much less emotional and spiritual costs, avoid EVER having to confront. As much as he wanted it to look so, he hated the reality of being accountable for anything especially his own word. Charlie, it really sounds like he is afraid. Any suggestion would be great Hi Kate That is a great question. I will never understand it. The only thing you can do with a narcissist is get them out of your hair. I dont know what else to do. How can you prevent this person raping you again? It is not wrong to use this survival skill, everyone benefits and it is to ensure your own safety. It is very enlightening. If you havent checked out the information on this please see the links at the top right hand of this page. One new study showed that narcissists can significantly damage workplace team performance. His sister is the same way and I feel for my brother in law. My counselor told me that he would understand if I stuck with the relationshipbut he needed me to know that even the strongest of women are affected on some level that they may not even realize and that many of his current older clients are suffering dire consequences of enduring this behavior long term. I wish people would wake up. Im burned out on his verbal abuse and lack of accountability, blaming me for his frustrations with how I want things at my house..which it IS, and hes lazy too. I have a good material life, although everything is his. I fortunately can deal with it all for the most part. I have the same exact issue with my husband constantly slamming his opinions in my face, telling me how things should be done, basically voicing what he wants and how he wants, yet as soon as I voice my thoughts, if inconsistent with his, he immediately shuts me up however he can, speaking over me, etc. Is there a point when I can tell, he has decided he does not want to get better and is not planning to do so? I dont want to walk away but he is pushing me away so far and I just wonder how you all find the strength to continue the dance during times like that. Thank you Kim, reading your stuff has helped me so much to become a stronger person. He hasnt done one thing that seems to indicate any love (in well over a year)and it certainly doesnt seem like love. As of last night (all through text because he wont communicate these days any other way), I said I cant drag my daughter through this anymore. The narcissist needs for you to fight back because then you are the one who lost control. How depressing that they are so selfish they will not be responsible. He denies that he has a problem. He does need to learn that there are natural consequenses for his actions and that I will not always bail him out. Nobody owes you self-denial of gratification, that is simply your own fascist narcissism at work and is an outgrowth of your insecurity. My husband appears to have pretty strong values, actually, around sexual behavior ie I dont expect that hed easily cheat. Maybe growing would be a better way to describe it rather than changing but the truth is that a person cannot start growing again until their false pride comes down. I have not entered a relationship yet until I am convinced hes relationship material. In the meantime you need better security on your house so he cannot break in. Steve had pretended everyone loved him at work but of course that wasnt true. I felt more distant. (3) my own personal property with in my home: doors repeatedly ripped from hinges, furniture thrown, broken, smashed my guitar in to pieces, throwing cups of coffee on walls, twice he has smashed & broken walls (but he claims he barely touched those walls, he didnt hit itI was there I saw him angry and punch the walls. We are loosing the ability to teach our children this concept, and it is affecting all of our adult lives. Im at a loss. Pain can result in a person becoming angry or irrational and acting out. They have been so helpful! Please consider: Narcissistic people hate it when anyone tries to hold them accountable and so attempting to make them admit their shortcomings or mistakes will only break rapport. When anything goes wrong i cant even imply it was his fault. Hes a gigolo too, pretty sure of it.I need him out of here and dont know how to be more blunt. Narcissists thrive on conflict. This is painful stuff to deal with emotionally, spiritually and financially. I dont have another day to waste with him. yes he already was in contact with another woman whilst I still was with him, he was on dating sites and I have learned; to him I was nothing but a narcissistic extension. They changed my attitude not his right away.. But this seems a weak boundary to me because I cant see when the line is crossed. I think the boss may be annoyed with him now because he is always finding stuff wrong no one else does hence making others look bad, hes been given some questionable stuff to do that I actually wondered if the boss is setting him up for failure. It was only recently when trying to find out if the man I love is a pathological liar or not, that I tripped upon information on narcissism. Nor was I, when tolerating them, i kept making excuses for unnexceptable behaviour. Im doing my best to deal with everything. Kim reading over all the others complaints only reinforces these type of people do the same thing over and over. Narcissists: The Master Manipulators Perhaps hes just a 2 on the scale of 1-4, but hes still a 2, and it still is very difficult to live with. I so tried to help and get help for this man as I have empathy for him because I know he is very unhappy also, but I can do no more for him. Thats what helped me get to safety. And I just been letting get away with these destructive things. I wish you both good luck . We still have a ways to to but I just cant believe how different things are with us now. If the man really almost kills you, than leaving is probably the best thing. This had 2 effects. Still havent done anything legal Im nearly positive he never will (but oh, I was already wrong once! I am soooo sick and tired of him by the weekend after hes been a jerk half the week for apologising yes apologising for being a jerk and defending himself at what a tough week its been and hes sorry only for him to do it again. While I was asleep, got my phone and synced with it taking all of my photos my phone showed that his phone synced to mine at 3:53 a.m. And he took things of mine and continued to invade my privacy until suddenly woke at 5:30 and saw him standing at the foot of my bed!!! I dont allow myself to be in the position of bad guy these days. Actions speak louder than words (-: However, I found that by justing leaving the situation, he was finally able to see it on his own, after life gave him hard knocks which took him off his pedestal and he realized ON HIS OWN when the same thing was done to him by another, how wrong his behavior was. I have adopted his ways of thinking. Your opinion on the matter is no longer relevant. To find out that who you thought was your partner actually had no interest or ability to play that role. I just wonder what percentage of the male population is like this? I dont understand why someone that doesnt have that connection stays, there are other fish in the sea you can find love you can find someone who is healthy and please dont bring your children into a narcissist relationship that is so selffish and unfair to them it hurts my whole soul to think about it. I do have two children from my previous marriage so I have to make sure our home is in order and there is food LOL, so to have him have natural consequences for example there not being food is not an option. You then threw in my face later Well I had to borrow the money from you so I could buy YOU and YOUR kids Christmas presents. You may also look for help from organisations that help the families of problem gamblers in your area. Sincerely, Kim Avery. Now because I am moving across the country, I am being blamed for him losing the house. I have purchased all the books here and recommend them highly. He has been paying for his share of the utilities so that I give him credit for but everything else is pretty much up to me. ( but remember your children are learning this unhealthy behavior) Hi Beth The situation you are dealing with indeed sounds very extreme but the situation you are now in demonstrates why running away usually doesnt work. With regards to your response #31, to Renee. Its always something new to the list of bad things he does daily. Now that I decided that I want him in my life . Hi. I am a very loving and caring person that does not pick fights, but will defend myself for my safety. When I said your kids learn this bad behavior either to be a codependant or narcissist I see my own children my daughter being unable to keep boundaries and stand up for herself and what she wont accept. Yes, he blamed me for ruining our relationship. Ive told him a ton of times, it takes two and there I go again pointing out the hurtful things he did. Do Narcissists Like To Be Held Accountable? I have been married to my N wife for 16 years. It seems that people like this can move on so easily without a second thought about you or the pain, anguish, and despair they cause to those they leave in their wake.. H even blames me for him breaking up with me, which he does about every two months, and then he wants to make up. I couldnt do it for him, it had to come to him. These people arent logical. I am still married and my husband and i are now really good friends so that had a happy ending. He can have what he calls a bad day or two a week where I suddenly become his punching bag and then when I say hey, dont talk to me like that, he tells me how I brought it on and how I dont have any clue what he goes through at work etcyet he says he loves his job and wants to give his best!?!? I have said this before but setting a boundary with a promise is like thinking you have built a fence by drawing a line and asking your horses not to cross it. As soon as it was all over, when i questioned him, he admitted to maybe saying some things that could be taken the wrong way i.e he threw me under the bus. and we had had a moment together. and managed to touch the place that connected us, he could see his roll in our relationship, apologize for what happened and be accountable. Do not make it a call for help for yourself or they may suspect you are trying to manipulate them. For all this time I have been working on myself, attending classes through the church (designed for couples, but they are letting me go by myself)and I (unlike him) remember the good timeshe COULD be really, really sweetand my soul still loves him (its the only way I know how to describe it as it takes me out of the very human/ego part of me that is pissed as hell at the childish, immoral behavior)..it also lets me not put the blame on myself (which I bought into, and still do some days, like today). Everything is subtle. It is almost as if. He will not hear me in that moment. I also know I hang onto him, at least by calling his answering machine almost every night once or twice because when I hear his voice mail greeting, I remember the good times between us, which were years ago and I dont have any replacements. Im hurting and I dont know what to do. Yesterday, I wanted to give up. Welcome my channel! I felt sorry for her. The letter should be very matter of fact and unemotional and only stress your concern about him. Literally, I thought it was me and I was being unreasonable. I wonder who else knows? July 16, 2020. Manipulative people, like narcissists, can hook their victims in with a tactic called "love bombing." It's the stage of the relationship where they identify their target, then make them feel like the most special person in the world by showering them with compliments, affection, and gifts. Hi Butterfly and welcome! I know I have the strength to give him more than I expect to get from him. But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. Mostly, I hope you will, if youre reading this. Eventually he began to say that he couldnt say one word with there being an issue. There is NOTHING you can do and even attempting to manage is not worth the headache and most times doesnt work anyways. When we mix lies with the truth, when we turn friends and family against our beloved, there is nothing left. He doesnt want to decide because then he has to be accountable I know that much. If they are not, it shatters their false sense of self-worth. Ive so learned that people like her are the good ones, the ones you wnat to know. Kim & Steve have a blog page titled Because I Love You-Im Learning To Say No. Its perfect in every way. I know its not funny, but I know why the sales agent hung up. It is a relief to find this page. Thoughts anyone? I really think that Kim & Steves ebooks Back From The Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net Workbooks would benefit you, even with the separation. That might not sound like much to some people for us we were lucky to go 5 days without something happening. Thank you!. Pride kills humility. The emotional and verbal abuse though that I experience sometimes makes me wonder if I would rather he just go ahead and hit me and get it over with (I dont really feel like that Im having a bad day he just finished raging b/c I forgot the listerine)anyway I guess I to order love safety net. My eldest is 15 and is still watched getting on and off the school bus!! He has not moved onto another relationship, though I suspect he uses porn as comfort. If you didnt know how to set the boundary back then, rubbing a persons face in it now is not going to do anything but make them resent you. Would the more dominate one win out or would they x each other out? Yet, I still call his answering machine and leave a message or two most nights. If he gets caught off guard when the police question him what is he going to say, that you keyed your own car?. I dont want them to be the victim or the perpetrator. When I get criticism,shouting verbal abuse , for no apparent reason , I know its not me ,just him not able to process

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